The Story of Krampus; Santa's Evil Twin

He's making a list, and checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
Krampus is coming to town.


Deep in the fantastical folklore of many of the world's Alpine countries cackles a cataclysmic creature the Austrian's call 'Krampus'. 

Whilst the plump and jovial figure of a borderline diabetic Santa Claus chuckles his way through an army of Christmas wishlists from the good little boys and girls of the world, his satanic sibling frantically flings out the clutter in his lair to make space for the bad. 

For many, the piquant prospect of piles of presents symbolises the magic of the festive period, but for Krampus, there exists no greater pleasure than punishing the children that have behaved blunderingly all year.

History and Origins
According to Maurice Bruce (1958), the existence of the Christmas creeper should not even be a matter for discussion. Bruce comments that 'there seems to be little doubt as to his true identity' and suggests that 'chains could have been introduced in a Christian attempt to 'bind the Devil'. 

Austrian's also believe the 'demon' is a figment of some ridiculously religious imagination and say Krampus derives from a pagan supernatural who was assimilated to the Christian devil. However, despite the aura of negativity surrounding the unfortunately ugly beast, his 'existence' certainly influenced the Habsburg Empire who announced am annual celebration of St.Nicholas's evil twin would take place on 5th December in Austria.


(A Krampus festival in Salzburg)

Appearance


Unlike his peculiarly pretty older brother, Krampus is one repugnant motherfucker. Although he appears in many variations, common characteristics include:

• Brown/black hair
• Cloven hooves
• Goat-like horns
• A long and pointed tongue
• Sharp, pointed teeth

Krampus is also depicted carrying a chain believed to symbolise the binding of the Devil by the Christian Church. In some cases, the chain is accompanied by a variety of bells and bundles of birch branches used to swat badly behaved children. 

Krampusnacht - The Festival

Primarily celebrated in Alpine countries, Krampusnacht is celebrated on December 5th, the day before the Feast of St.Nicholas. During the night, Krampus patrols the streets visiting homes and business whilst searching for naughty boys and girls. 

Whilst St.Nicholas dispenses gifts for well behaved children, Krampus desperately locates the children who haven't behaved so well and supplies them with coal and ruten bundles.

Ian Watkins: Signs In The Songs?

On November 26th 2013, Ian Watkins, former lead-singer of the popular rock band Lostprophets, pleaded guilty to thirteen sexual offences.

Fame and fiasco tend to concoct a curdling mix that the general public find unpalatable and difficult to comprehend. For one reason or another, we accept the crimes of an ordinary civilian as an unfortunate feature of society; but when the culprit is famous, complete and utter uproar ensues. 

The Ian Watkins case is enough to bring sweat to the forehead of any experienced professional, and in this article, the grimy details will be spared. Customarily, questions will be asked of the police regarding their failure to prevent Watkins from engaging in his most aphotic fantasies. Concerns were raised and ignored, and the officers that neglected their duty will be duly punished.

That, however, changes nothing. Watkins utitlised his sparkling reputation and rock-star ruggedness to target obsessed fans and to ensure that he would be remembered as one of the UK's most twisted paedophiles in history. 

Despite the deceptiveness of the Welsh singer, clues were there to be clutched and many of them could be found in his actual song lyrics. Of course, there exists the prickly problem of ambiguity, but in one song in particular, I believe the dark mind of Ian Watkins was projected onto paper...

Lostprophets - Still Laughing (2001).

Released in 2001 and included on the Lostprophet's first album 'The Fake Sound of Progress', 'Still Laughing' is one of the band's less popular songs. Its sinister introduction and slow pace develops an eerie aura in any situation, but it is when we look at the lyrics that things become unsettling.

Contributors to the website www.songmeanings.com submit their thoughts on underlying messages within songs and had this to say about 'Still Laughing':

• 'I think he's confused on what to do, which direction to follow in life... and that others just follow the crowd'
• 'He leaves his past behind and forgets the people he knew'
• 'I think the song is about someone that has lost all that he holds close'

As we know, Watkin's certainly did not 'follow the crowd' and was indubitably 'confused'. In hindsight, it is easy to attribute lyrics to some deeper meaning, but in my opinion, the lyrics in 'Still Laughing' are too blatant to ignore. 

Lyrics

Come take a look
Because all this could mean, that I
Don't really care
Who ends up gettin' hurt

Please take a look
If it's judgment versus instinct
How do I feel
When my feelings don't even work?

You know that I'll believe

'Cause I can see it in your smile
Time stood still for me
When you called

Said I, answer me this

Yes, all I have is questions
You can't slip away
And hide behind a false truth

Time takes too long

Just seems like
I'm still standin' here now
And I can't even feel
The rain that hits my shoes

You know that I'll believe
'Cause I can see it in your eyes
Time stood still for me
When you called

I'm still waitin', I still bleed
That's a sign that I'm still me
I'm still breathin', I can see
So I must be alive for real

When will I get there?
I should be here by now
Got it all worked out
Did I see you laughin'?
Yeah, funny, it's not me

In time
All I want is in away
Gone too long
And now it's gone, it's gone

I'm still waitin', I still bleed
That's a sign that I'm still me
I'm still breathin', I can see
So I must be alive for real

So I must be alive for real
Yeah, I must be alive for real
I must be alive for real

• 'Come take a look, because all this could mean that I, don't really care who ends up getting hurt'

Is Watkins asking for help? Is he inviting people to investigate him and stop him from hurting the people that have made his career so successful (fans etc.)? 

• 'How do I feel when my feelings don't even work?'

Is Watkins acknowledging that he is different to everybody else? Is he admitting that he has an illness and does not care who he causes harm to? When linked to the line above, connotations of inflicting pain and mental instability arise. 

• 'You can't slip away and hide behind a false truth'

Although he knows that his thoughts are wrong, they are too intense and too appealing to ignore. His life as a lead singer of a rock band hides his dark inner thoughts, but it is becoming too much for him and he cannot continue to let these thoughts rest in his mind without acting upon them.

• 'I'm still waiting, I still breathe, that's a sign that I'm still me'

He had not yet acted upon his darkest thoughts and the little sanity within him is preventing him from doing this. The monster inside of is still waiting to commit these horrific crimes, but the morality he knows he possesses will continue to stop him from carrying them out.

Again, the problem lies with ambiguity and any old meaning could be attributed to the lyrics in 'Still Laughing'. The crimes have been linked to 2008 when Watkins was engaging in heavy drug use, however, a burning desire to rape a child does not spontaneously emerge in a normal human's mind. Watkins is, and was, ill and personally, I believe these sick ideas and fantasies plagued his mind from a young age and these thoughts are reflected in this very song. 

7 Of The Strangest Things People Have Tried To Smuggle

If, like me, you're a dedicated viewer of 'Nothing To Declare', you'll be aware of some of the aberrant shite that some of the more peculiar people on this planet try to smuggle over the border.

Drugs, food and even live insects are all common creepers in the smuggler's suitcase, but spare a thought for the baggage handler who comes across a friendly old dead body making its way through the X-Ray machine.

Below are seven of the strangest things, items and animals people have remarkably tried to smuggle. 

7. A Crocodile

One quirky fellow took it upon himself to complete the unenviable task of smuggling a crocodile with him on his flight to the Democratic Republic of Congo. Amazingly, the giant reptile made it on to the plane and in the comfort of his new surroundings, decided to pop his sunglasses on and crawl out of the passengers back towards the end of the flight.

As expected, the reaction was hysterical and the sane members on board made a frantic dash to the front of the plane. The sudden redistribution in weight caught the pilot off guard and the plane subsequently crashed. The ridiculously unbelievable disaster tragically killed twenty of the twenty-one passengers on board and the crocodile's holiday was cut short with a machete soon after.

6. A Cocaine Cast

In March 2009, a 66 year old Chilean warrior purposefully broke his leg so he could use the cast to smuggle cocaine from Chile to Barcelona. In fact, the entire cast was compiled of the Class A drug and it would have circulated the streets of the Spanish city had security officers failed to locate the other 9lbs of coke stashed in six empty beer cans. 

5. Bear Paws

In the summer of this year, Chinese police arrest two Russian men trying to smuggle 213 brown bear paws into Inner Mongolia where they are a delicacy. The paws were discovered hidden in the tyres of the men's vehicle when they were pulled over by customs officers at a border checkpoint.

According to officer Wu Qingyan, the biggest paw weighed around 2kg and the men were pulled over because 'they looked very anxious and nervous'. In China, a kilo of bear paws sells for around £620.

4. An Entire Zoo

Meet Robert Cusack, the man who in 2002 was arrested and sentenced to 57 days in jail for attempting to smuggle over fifty live animals and plants into a wildlife refuge in Costa Rica. After landing on a flight from Thailand to Los Angeles in 2002, Cusack was arrested after a bird of paradise flew out of his luggage.

Customs Agents proceeded to find three more rare birds in his suitcase, but the fluorescent flappers weren't the only species of wildlife in the smuggler's company. Cusack was also hiding two pygmy slow lorises in his underwear and fifty rare orchids in his luggage. 

3. A Nun's Skeleton

In January 2011, a Cyprian monk and two accomplices were caught trying to board a plane in Athens carrying the skeleton of a deceased nun. When questioned about his rather radical smuggle attempt, the 42 year old monk claimed he was transferring the remains from Greece to a monastery in Cyprus because the nun was a 'saint'.

Cyprus Orthodox Archbishop Chrysostomos II has recently branded the perpetrator a 'charlatan' and said his actions were 'sacrilegious'. 

2. A Human Corpse

The British like to think that the world's most preternatural events occur far, far away from the UK. Sadly, they don't, and this strange story beautifully sums up why.

In April 2010, two women were arrested after they tried to take the body of a dead relative on to a plane at Liverpool John Lennon Airport. Staff became suspicious when they tried to check in 91 year old Curt Willi Jarant, who was wearing sunglasses, for a flight to Berlin. 

The women, one his widow and one his step daughter, said they thought Jarant was asleep. Both were arrested on suspicious of failing to give notification of death.

1. A Dead Baby Carrying Drugs

The urban legend is one of the most horrific stories you'll find on the internet and although the story may not be true, it highlights the viciousness of the drug world.

The internet rumour tells the story of a a couple and their two year old son planning a weekend trip across the Mexican border for a shopping spree. They had been across the border for around an hour when their son got free and ran around the corner. Although the mother chased after her son, she could not find him and subsequently located a police officer who told her to go to the border gate and wait.

Doing as she was told, she waited 45 minutes until a man approached her carrying her two year old son. She ran to him, grateful that he had been found. However, when the man realised it was the boy's mother, he dropped him to the ground and fled. The police were waiting nearby and arrested the man soon after.

The two year old boy was dead and during the 45 minutes in which he had disappeared, he was cut open and stuffed with cocaine. 

10 Most Famous Suicide Landmarks

Suicide.

It's an occult domain the majority of people choose not to delve into, as if to respect its victims. However, some believe the forbidden and prohibited semblance that surrounds the topic renders it a compelling area to actually go and research. 

The truth is, around 800,000 million people commit suicide every single year, making it the 10th leading cause of death worldwide. Unfortunately, suicide doesn't seem to be an unpopular means to an end for the many people who have to endure intolerable and unbearable despair and pain every day. 

So does the place in which the individual chooses to take their life carry much personal meaning, or is the location merely based on convenience? It's a controversial topic you have to scatter around as if it's broken glass on the floor, but a number of famous landmarks exist that exhibit disturbing suicide statistics that certainly can't be referred to as coincidental. 

10. Humber Bridge, England

The world's seventh largest suspension bridge, residing in Hull, England, is 2,220 metres long and beholds a distressing record of suicides. Since it's opening in 1981, over 200 suicide attempts have taken place with only 5 surviving. A plan to deal with the unfortunate problem was devised on Boxing Day 2009 when it was announced that a suicide barrier would be erected along the walkways of the bridge.

9. London Underground, England

Many will be surprised to learn that the world's most famous public transit system is also a hotspot for suicide attempts. 145 deaths were recorded on the Northern Line between 2010 and 2011, however, statistics show that only 40% of people die. 

8. Eiffel Tower, France

The elegant 'Iron Lady' illuminates above the 'City of Love', but all is not what it seems in France's most famous landmark. The exact location is actually France's third most popular means of suicide behind poison and hanging. Safety nets and railings make the task difficult, but many still attempt to jump from the tower.

7. Nusle Bridge, Czech Republic

The nickname ('Suicide Bridge') says it all. The bleak looking construction plays an instrumental role in Prague's transport network, however, it has also assisted 300 suicides since it was built in 1973. To prevent further suicides, the city erected tall chain link fence railings along the sidewalks in 1997 and ten years later, the fencing was topped off with a 3ft wide strip of polished metal to make it impossible to climb.

6. Beachy Head, England

The stunning location in East Sussex presents visitors with a luxurious view of the south east coast, however, the chalk sea cliff's height (162m) also makes it one of the world's most notorious suicide spots. The site averages 20 suicides a year although these numbers are decreasing thanks to regular patrols and signposts.

5. The Gap, Australia

The Gap is an ocean cliff in Sydney with a horrendous suicide record. It's Australia's version of Beachy Head, however, over 50 jump to their death every year at the location. The Gap's suicide rate would be even more repugnant if it wasn't for the late Don Ritchie, a local WWII veteran who would approach jumpers and offer them help. Before his death in 2012, Don saved over 160 people and was even awarded the Medal of the Order of Australia for his services.

4. Niagara Falls, USA

The falls offer a stunning spectacle between the border of Canada and the USA and it's beauty has often been portrayed in Hollywood for the world to see. However, between 20-40 people jump to their deaths every year at Niagara and an estimated 5,000 bodies have been found at the foot of the falls between 1850 and 2011. 

3. Golden Gate Bridge, USA

The three mile long structure between San Francisco Bay and the Pacific Ocean watches over San Francisco like some Godly protector. It has been referred to as 'possible the most beautiful, certainly the most photographed, bridge in the world' and has been declared on of the Wonders of the Modern World by the American Society of Civil Engineers.

However, the Bridge's undoubted beauty doesn't stop it from being the second most common suicide site in the world. By 2005, official suicide records were up to 1,200, only second to the Nanjing Yangtze River Bridge in China. Jumpers hit the water at 75mph and often die from impact trauma or hypothermia from the freezing cold water below.

2. Nanjing Yangtze River Bridge, China

It may be longer, but China's infamous river bridge in Nanjing is most definitely uglier and boasts a significantly more horrific suicide rate than San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. With over 2,000 suicides on it's blood stained record, the bridge is the most common suicide spot in the world. 

1. Aokigahara Forest, Japan

The notoriously creepy forest in Japan is known for it's haunting affiliation with the supernatural. Since the 1950's, an average of 30 people a year have committed suicide in the dreary forestland and many bodies are sadly never found.

5 Most Famous Ghost Pictures

Whether you believe in them or not; ghosts tend to terrify the toughest of us.

Long gone are the days of Casper; a friendly floating chap who went out of his way to reassure children that spectres were in fact very approachable beings. 

Today our screens are polluted by hideously ugly, dead women that scream into the faces of the living and make their lives a living hell. 

Their existence will be up for debate until the end of time, but the five photos below put forward a strong argument for their legitimacy. 

5. Spirit In The Woods

A case of photoshop?

No. Photoshop didn't exist in 1959 when this famous photo was taken by Reverend R.S. Blance near Alice Springs, Australia.

The woman appears to be wearing a white dress and holding her hands just beneath her chin. 

4. Monk In Church

This ghost, captured in 1954 by Reverend K.F. Ford, bears an uncanny resemblance to the main antagonist in the Scream movies. 

Ford accidentally snapped the screaming spectre whilst taking pictures of his church in England. Examinations have taken place and no evidence has been found to suggest the photo has been tampered with. 

3. Lady Of Bachelor's Grove

Cemetery's are a place you'd expect to find ghosts and this shot, taken at Bachelor's Grove cemetery in Illinois, lives up to that stereotype.

The ghost was captured by Mari Huff, a member of the acclaimed paranormal investigating group Ghost Research Society. However, rather eerily, she claims the spectre was not there when the picture was taken.

2. The Fire Girl

November 19th, 1995 saw Wem Town Hall in England crumble to the floor in ash as a fire blazed through its walls.

Local photographer Tony O'Rahilly was on hand to capture a few photo's from the disaster and was stunned to find this image as he flicked through his images. A young girl appears to be watching on, unfazed by the inferno before her. Firefighters claims there was no one in the building and no missing report was submitted.

1. The Brown Lady

This photo, considered to be the most famous ghost photo in the world, was taken in 1936 at Raynham Hall in Norfolk. 

The spectre is said to be that of Dorothy Townshend, a former resident of the hall along with her abusive husband Charles. Dorothy is rumoured to have engaged in an affair with Lord Wharton. When Charles learned of her affair, he imprisoned and killed her.

7 Of The Trippiest Videos On The Web

The internet is a heteroclite haven for some of the grooviest, most inexplicable videos ever created.

Whether you're high, wired or just have a brain that enjoys being taken on one almighty trip, the world wide web has what you're looking for.

Below are my pick of the bunch.

7. Don't Hug Me I'm Scared
With over 10,000,000 views, this positively peculiar production from 'This Is It Collective' has become an internet phenomenon.

An assertive notebook tries to impose the idea of creativity to three puppets through what  seems to be a fairly innocuous song. However, as the tune progresses, the scene develops a more sinister aura. 

Many have attempted to explain the video's hidden meaning and most agree that it is parodies today's children's cartoons. 'This Is It Collective' believe the media try to enforce specific creative ideas on children and don't allow for originality. In turn, this actually prevents the child from displaying their creativity. 

6. 2AM
Imagine walking home alone from a night out and being confronted by a man in a yellow suit tapdancing toward you. 

It's chilling, it's baffling and come to think of it, it's absolutely disgusting. However, one Reddit user had the pleasure of going through that exact electrifying experience.

I'd never leave the house again. 

5. Skeletons Having Sex On A Tin Roof
The name pretty much gives away the fact that this video isn't going to be normal.

The music video by Orphic Oxtra presents a lamentably unpleasant looking chubber dancing her way through space whilst unpleasantly staring you in the eye. The music doesn't help either as you begin to believe you're in some inter-galactic arcade with no exit sign. 

It's uncomfortable, but just you try and watch it only once, just try!

4. Scariest Video 
It's title may be unbearably cringeworthy, but this animation genuinely is terrifying. 

3. Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy
The surrealist comedian has definitely taken one too many drugs in his life and it's obvious that every single one of his drug related experiences has accumulated into this. 

I don't see stupidity or craziness in his eyes, I see a cry for help. Noel Fielding needs help, and after you've watched this shit, you'll agree with me. 

A man wearing a cup for a beard embarking on a fantastical exploration round his own garden, a sting ray with more life experience that the Queen and a drug dealer in the form of a fly are not the work of a man with an unbelievably ample imagination. No, they're the work of a man desperate for medical attention.

How this show was ever broadcast to the public, I'll never know, but I'll be forever grateful. 

2. The Cat With Hands
The old legend of the cat with hands is perfectly portrayed in this disturbing production.

The video tells the tale of a poor cat that just wants to be human. He resides in a well in an isolated forest and greets visitors with his powerful teeth and claws which rip off selected parts of his victim.

Once done, the cat magically obtains the body part and uses it for himself. Hence, the cat with hands. 

1. Jimmy Neutron Happy Family Happy Hour

Unlike the others, there's no message to this horrifically haunting animation created by a guy who obviously needs to see a psychiatrist about his dreams.

All I can say is, just watch it. 

7 Disturbing Paintings

Admittedly, I'm not big on art.

I couldn't tell you how a particular brush stroke somehow depicts a particular emotion or how wielding the oil pastel in the opposite hand allegedly provides the piece with an extra dimension.

The paragraph above summarises my knowledge of art; nothing. All I know is that paintings like the ones below scare the absolute shite out of me. 

7. Medusa (Caravaggio)

If the catastrophic crease in her brow doesn't send a shiver down your spine, the snakes on her head definitely will. This frighteningly ugly bitch has such a hard time finding a fella, she has to turn them to stone. 

6. The Scream (Edvard Munch)

It's one of the most famous paintings ever, but to me, it just looks like Lord Voldemort has dropped his keys off a bridge. 

5. The Water Ghost (Alfred Kubin)

Darth Vader having a paddle? 

Kubin was a keen user of watercolours and this piece depicts torment and impending doom at sea. A stranded ship has been caught mid-storm and it's passengers squirm as they await death.

4. The Crying Spider (Odilon Redon)

It has been suggested that Redon fell into a deep depression after moving to Paris following the Franco-Prussian war. This painting, along with many others, symbolise his entrapment and feelings of little worth during the 1880's. 

3. The Fountain (Mark Ryden)

Young children have a indescribable ability to terrify even the most grizzly of adults. The Fountain displays a young girl holding her severed head, leaving her neck to spurt blood like a malfunctioning sprinkler. Lovely.

2. Saturn Devouring His Son (Francisco Goya)

It's a well known fact that Goya became a bit mental as he approached his twilight years. He'd spend his days alone, maniacally cackling to himself as he littered the walls with the gleaming eyes of goblins, witches and demented Gods eating their son's (as above). 

1. The Hands Resist Him (Bill Stoneham)

If I had kids that looked this evil, I'd disown them.

'The Hands Resist Him' was listed on Ebay in 2000 by an anonymous seller and is now considered to be one of the most haunted paintings in the world. In 1972, the painting was purchased by Hollywood actor John Marley, but after years of torment, it was put up for sale.

According to Marley, the characters in the painting would move and even disappear at night. Blasts of hot air and unseen forces were felt on a regular basis and on one occasion, a printer broke whilst attempting to print the image. 

6 Strangest Death Statistics

We all have an idea of how we'd like to go out.

Personally, I'm not keen on the idea of jumping in front of a bullet to saved a loved one. No, I'd much rather Jesus Christ knock on my door in the early hours of the morning and lead me by hand up a golden escalator into the arms of God.

But what if that dream was blocked by a solitary hot dog? Remarkably, hot dogs do have the ability to kill and so do a number of other seemingly innocent inanimate objects!

Below is a list of the strangest things that kill humans every year.

6. Rollercoasters

Statistics: Kill 6 people annually

Every time I ride a rollercoaster, I think I'm going to die, but imagine if you actually did. Fascinatingly, rollercoasters kill more people every year than sharks do and that's a statistic that will ensure I never see the gates of Alton Towers again. 

5. Vending Machines

Statistics: Kill 13 people annually

We all know what it's like to have a vending machine break down on you. The malteasers are there, playfully staring you in the eye, their red gown gleaming in a holy sort of light, but it's stuck. 

Any normal person would seek a member of staff, but some don't. They can't hold it any longer. Their blood boils beneath their skin and desperately screams out for the sugar fix it craves. Finally, in a last ditch attempt to savour their sweets, they dive inside. 

The vending machine licks its lips after yet another satisfying meal. 

4. Ants

Statistics: Kill 30 people annually

The lethal ant. Five hundred and sixty times smaller than the average human, but still powerful enough to kill thirty a year. Most reports of death involve people falling asleep near to ant hills. The rest is history.

3. Hot Dogs

Statistics: Kill 70 people annually

Death is never an easy thing to deal with, but I imagine it would be even more difficult to handle if a loved one was killed by a hotdog...

They're immobile. They're not sharp and they don't hunt in packs, so how do they kill? The answer is obesity and choking; boring, I know.

2. Icicles

Statistics: Kill 100 people annually in Russia

I can imagine death by icicle to be an excruciating experience. Every year in Russia natures frozen dagger impales one hundred people and leaves them helpless and bleeding to death on the icy floor beneath it. Lovely.

1. Falling Out Of Bed

Statistics: Kill 450 people annually in the USA

American's are given bad press when it comes to intelligence and this statistic won't help that stereotype. According to the Center for Disease Control, falling out of bed accounts for 1.8m emergency room visits and over 400 thousand hospital admissions each year.

Turre 2013

As every male in the world will know, the 'Lads Holiday' is one of the most prestigious events in his life. 

In short, it's an exotic exploration on which a man can let his hair down, his gullet open and his penis waggle. 

With two torturous years of University complete and in one mans case over three hundred hours of serving Italian food to the overweight population of Altrincham, that very 'Lads Holiday' was a necessity for me and my tightest of brethren.

The destination? Turre...

Now as a group, we've fucked up many a time in our fifteen years as friends. The picture above would suggest that our 'Lads Holiday', a fortnight that will glimmer the brightest among our many adolescent memories, would be added to that infamous list of gaffes. 

However, it most certainly did not, and let me explain why....

Day 1: Thursday 4th July

Arrival, Tupac and 'the first chob'

First of all, I'd like to extend my gratitude to Charlie's grandmother for presenting the six of us with the glorious opportunity to visit this startlingly unique town. The view from our window provides a flattering image of what we had to live with for two weeks.

The municipality is situated in Almeria and is home to over ten restaurants and bars! If you want to find out more, visit Turre's wikipedia page, it has one whole sentence to sink your teeth into. 

The night came fast and our first challenge of the holiday was to find an open bar on a Thursday night. After a paradisaical paella, the clan headed to bar Zambra where we proceeded to 'fuck shit up'. 
 
As we revelled in the excitement of the first night, tequila and Estrella Levante quietly bubbled in the pits of our stomachs. It was all too much for Harry, who decided to erupt onto the street.

The first night also claimed one of Manchester's finest, Adam 'Tupac' Dolan. His relationship with bar Zambra's tequila became a little too close and no one was ready for what lay in store.
 
In a fit of maniacal rage, the man who wishes he was born alongside Kurtis Jackson in the slums of western America proceeded on his quest to 'end' me. Apparantly, calling a drunken boy 'Tupac' over twenty times consecutively is not a great idea. A chokehold from Paul Wadsworth and an eyebrow splitting headbutt from Charlie Dodson surprisingly calmed the situation and Tupac headed to the bathroom to show his guts to the toilet below.

Day 2: Friday 5th July
The beach, open mic night and going Dutch

Waking up in a pool of your own sweat is never desirable, especially when your head is pounding like a prostitutes arsehole. However, hangovers quickly subsided, Tupac offered his apologetic hand and we headed for the beach down in Mojacar.
 
 
The Mediterranean cradled our fragile bodies in its cooling arms and relieved us of the unbearable heat of the sand beneath our feet. Our first day of real tanning resulted in third degree burns (especially in mine and Charlie's case) and six hours later, we headed back to Turre to rock the fuck out of bar Zambra.
 
After hearing of Zambra's regular Friday night open mic night, there was no where else Matt McAuliffe could imagine himself on the biggest night of the week. Expectations of us were low after witnessing our antics the night before and the owner reluctantly introduced us before his regular crowd. Luckily for him, we stole the show in typical fashion and walked off stage with all the arrogance of Liam Gallagher. It was time for the acoustic section of the evening, and after 131 renditions of 'Let Her Go' by Matthew 'Passenger' McAuliffe, we went outside to meet our groupies. 
 
What followed is unwriteable, but with the Dutch involved, it leaves little to the imagination.
 
 

Day 3: Saturday 6th July
The roof, Maui bar and the damsels from Derby

Hanging out of our pale bumholes once again, walking up to the roof (a helicopter pad for heat) seemed like a good idea...
 
As we allowed the ale to frazzle in our bloated stomachs, the group concluded that a big night down in Mojacar would be the only remedy for the hellish hangover. The sun retreated into the dimming sky and our burns were allowed to surface as we enjoyed a picturesque beer on the beach.
 
 
Situated a mile down the beach stood an eyecatching bar named Maui. It's decorative palm trees danced in the brilliant breeze of the sea air and its outside seating area presented customers with a dazzling view of the Mediterranean. Of course, we went inside.
 

But we had no plan to respect the elegance of the bar. The cheeky look in the eyes of Harry McAughtrie (only moments after he had shat in a plant pot) signaled yet another eventful evening. Three racy renditions of the infamous 'Tequila Stuntman' (snort salt, shot of tequila, lime in the eye and then two tooth picks to the head) ensued and the night took an interesting turn...
 
Our gorgeous Mancunian accents had attracted four fine females from Derby and just like an Estrella Damm advert, we went for a spot of skinny dipping (no pictures).

Day 5: Monday 8th July
'Come on you pussies' and THAT walk home

Sunday was a write off and we thought it best to answer our liver's prayers to stop drowning it in ethanol. The girls had littered our phones with desperate text messages all day, so it was only fair to pay them another visit...
  
After another pleasant evening in Maui, the sea cried out for our naked bodies once again. Before we could even slip one shoe off, Fatty had run a personal best into the roaring waves screaming 'COME ON YOU PUSSIES!' as he graciously fell over an army of rocks, bearing his arse to the world. Meanwhile, Paul was casually floating along on a cluster of yellow buoys, but another successful night was to end in utter misery.
 
University students are expected to make wise decisions, unfortunately, those expectations were not fulfilled in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Instead of waiting for a cab, we thought it would be an inspired idea to attempt the two hour walk home. Things became blurry, and suddenly it dawned on us that we were lost, very lost. Not even passing drivers knew where Turre was and death became an  extremely exciting prospect. Six hours later, we returned home; defeated.

Day 7: Wednesday 10th July
Girls last day and the melon

Still scarred from our near death experience, we thought it wise to take yet another day off. The demands of Spain were becoming too difficult for us to meet and our massive penises were rapidly shrinking into pussies. However, with our new buddies set to fly back home on Thursday, we invited them over to the apartment for a jolly good drinking session. In preparation, I decided to say goodbye to my eyebrow.
  
All was fine and dandy. Conversation was flowing and drinks were disappearing like Houdini, but once the girls had left, a piece of fruit would curse a plague on the remainder of the holiday. The culprate? A watermelon.

Harry, being the fearless rebel he is, put himself forward for the idiotic challenge of throwing the watermelon off our balcony onto the street below. The fruit flew with the velocity of a hunting Peregrine falcon and CRASH!... The holiday as we knew it had ended. A vicious creature emerged from her metallic cave and roared into the no comprendo ears of Charlie and Matt. Even Charlie's desperate pleas of 'NO POLICIA' couldn't rescue us from a €320 fine and a police caution and the money we'd saved for a lovely day of go karting vanished.

Day 8: Thursday 11th July
The hangover from hell

Somewhat deservedly, this is how we felt the next day.
 
But David Dickinson was on hand to sort us out...


Day 9: Friday 12th July
Open mic night and the Dutch return

Matt's favourite day of the week was here again and this time, he'd even purchased a little notebook to prepare himself for the night ahead! So long as he didn't play 'Let Her Go' again, everyone would be happy. Unfortunately, a little too much alcohol made for one of the worst sets in the history of music, but when you're a rockstar, the chicks keep coming...
 
Harry, however, believed we had to go a little further than just allowing the girls to visit our stunningly furnished apartment. In a fit of something that can only be described as pure happiness, he de-clothed himself in a matter of seconds and treated the girls to an exclusive preview of his majestic cock. They said they were leaving the next day, whether that's true or not, we'll never know.

Day 10: Saturday 13th July
Spontaneous Maui trip and Dario G - Sunchyme

For Paul and Dolan, it had become too much. Their bodies had all but shutdown and their beds had put them in a chokehold for the day. It was Maui again for the rest of us where we would discover a long lost gem that would paint a permanent smile on our sun tanned faces.
   
Pissed as a fart, we headed to the beach for a drunken dance. Like children participating in a nursery rhyme jig, we held hands in a square and boogied to the sound of Harry's phone. And then it came. That song that had refused to grace our ears for over ten years came to pleasure us once again. It was Dario G - Sunchyme, and we were in paradise. 

Day 12: Tuesday 16th July
The last big night, tangy tomato crisps and homosexuality

The €320 fine had hit us hard and a few days on the roof with Biggie and Tupac was our last resort. Once again, third degree burns resulted.

However, Tuesday was our last real chance to enjoy the low prices of vodka the local supermarket had to offer and for a mere five euros each, 4 litres of vodka, a litre of jagermeister, a litre of rum and a variety of mixers were purchased. After consuming one of the worst shit mixes ever concocted, we looked like this:
  
Sanity was sailing away on a river of rum, but on hand was Charlie Dodson who had expertly purchased a bag of tangy tomato crisps for us to enjoy later in the evening. If you have to make one last purchase before you die, make it those bad boys, because they are utterly delicious (see video on facebook). 

It was time for bed and we said our last goodbyes to a delightful experience taking advantage of Spain's tax system, but not before a magnificent demonstration of homosexuality I've been requested not to mention on here. Make up your own minds!

Final Day: Thursday 18th July
Home time

Turre is a place that will forever live in the hearts of my five friends and I. An unconventional holiday, but unconventional is something we've had to live with for the entirety of our adolescent lives. 

Nothing has changed. Charlie is still a housewife in the making, Harry absolutely loves everything, Matt is a travel rep in the making, Paul is a giant drama queen and Dolan is a useless bastard. In a soppy sort of way, Turre was made for a group like us and I'm sure we'll be visiting again.

I'm sure the locals will be absolutely delighted.