An uncooked pork medallion on a plate made of 24 carat gold, perhaps? Or even a steaming pile of shit left by an ancient giant who chose to utilise the mountains as his preferred toilet seat.
What I mean to say is that the snow tipped emerald mountains and the elegant flow of swimming sapphire that is the Menai Straits provide an excellent foundation for a vibrant city to thrive.
Unfortunately, Bangor doesn't and as we know, it's what on the inside that counts.
Below I have listed the five fearsome culprits that have sealed Bangor's demise.
1. The Wind
If you want to visit a place where it is windy absolutely every f***ing day, come to Bangor!
Want to perform a normal, everyday task like walking to the shop? The wind will have something to say about that. It'll incessantly throw debris in your face like an annoying pre-schooler and leave you blind as you strain to continue your five minute journey to Aldi. Sometimes it's nice to welcome a pleasant little breeze on a warm day, but in Bangor, heat is something you don't experience often.
2. The Accent
Bangor is a university city, and so a variety of accents are audible as you stroll through its lengthy high street. However, companies tend to favour the locals when it comes to employment and so you can't go a day without hearing that God awful accent.
The locals are either in a constant state of surprise or are bellowing out a tuneless song all day; that's how bad the accent is.
3. The Opposite Sex
Ladies, don't be offended because I know how bad some of guys are too. Bangor's the only place in the UK you'll find a guy dressed as a pirate or where the majority of people have less than ten teeth. Unfortunately, they think this is normal.
Fancy a night out on the pull? Then lower your standards, dramatically. A 4/10 in Manchester, Liverpool or Newcastle instantly becomes an 8/10 in Bangor and after two years of being here, only about three 8/10's exist.
4. Nightclubs
The expertly named Peep, Embassy and Academi make up Bangor's nightclubbing nightlife. That's three clubs to satisfy 16,000 students, so you'd expect the music to be impeccable!
Impeccable if you're ten years old and dance around your room to Now 65. Ne-yo, Akon, Pitbull, you name it, they'll be singing their hearts out over a shoddy speaker system in every one of Bangor's clubs. At least you don't have to pay £5 to get in on some nights...
5. The Uphill Trudge
If you were to take an average calf measurement of every city in the UK, Bangor's score would be at the top of the list. Everything is uphill!
When going to lectures becomes an intense cardio session, you know your university life is going to be tough.
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