Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Cartoon Conspiracies

Cartoons with dark, subliminal messages and meanings?

It's unthinkable. How could the innocuous cartoons that dominated our early years exhibit such material? Many will dismiss the idea, however, a number of theories and conspiracies exist that will make you think twice about your favourite childhood amigos...

The Spongebob Squarepants Drug Theory

Ever wondered why Spongebob is always happy? This theory suggests he is a user of meth amphetamines! His moods swing from extreme happiness; energetically prancing around Bikini Bottom to extreme sadness; crying profusely for hours on end. The theory points out that there is never any middle ground between Spongebob's emotions and these traits match those of a regular meth amphetamine user.

As for Patrick Star, he is the stoner. The starfish is known for being fairly stupid and naive, much like a person under the influence of cannabis. He tends to laugh at stupid things and is always seen eating!

Spongebob's grouchy neighbour, Squidward Tenticles, is said to be on heroin! Squidward is never happy and becomes angered and agitated by Spongebob's energy. Convinced yet?

Maybe Mr.Krabs' description will change your opinion... The theory suggests his arrogance and obsession with money is because he is a cocaine user! Cocaine is an expensive drug and the owner of the Krusty Krab has to manage his finances carefully in order to fund his habit. Additionally, the theory points at the lack of customers in the Krusty Krab. How does Mr.Krab's make his money from only a handful of customers? The truth is, he is also a dealer and uses the Krusty Krab business for a little money on the side and to cover up his drug operation!

The Rugrats Dead Baby Theory

The Rugrats Dead Baby Theory is possibly the most famous and creepy conspiracy relating to childhood cartoons.

The theory suggests the Rugrats were actually a figment of Angelica's demonic imagination. It proposes that Chuckie died in 1997, explaining why Chaz is a nervous wreck all the time.

As for Tommy, he was born in 2000 but was a stillborn. This explains why Stu is always in the basement making toys for the son who never had a chance to live.

The DeVille's had an abortion in 2001, however, Angelica was unable to tell whether it was a boy or a girl, thus creating the twins.

The follow up to Rugrats 'All Grown Up' also entails another disturbing theory. Angelica, now a teenager, became addicted to various narcotics further aggrivating her schizophrenia. This brought her back to childhood and therefore the creations she obsessed over (because of the time lapse between the present and the last time she interacted with her creations) became older.

Angelica became addicted to acid so she would never have to live without her creations who were her only company. Angelica's mother died in 1982 of a heroine overdose very early on in her daughter's life. Drew, Angelica's father, married a golddigging whore due to depression. However, Angelica idolised her step-mother as she fooled herself into believing it was her real Mother. Subsequently, Angelica took a barbie doll and rendered it in her real Mother's image, wearing an unwashed orange dress and having jacked up hair; this explains why Angelica is so attached to the doll.

Later in life, Angelica followed in her Mother's footsteps in terms of drug addictions and died of an overdose aged 15 when 'All Grown Up' was 'cancelled'!

Although this theory seems to be a drug fuelled, extremely ambitious creation, it is widely accepted as the true meaning behind the Rugrats...

The Scooby Doo Post Economic Depression Theory

Perhaps not the best and well thought out theory around, but still another delusional cartoon conspiracy.

It suggests that the original Scooby Doo series is set after a terrible economic depression. Everything is abandoned and falling apart and the numerous villains the 'meddling kids' encounter are people who would usually be respected (professors, museum curators, celebrities). However, they have fallen into hard times themselves and have turned to crime!

The Courage the Cowardly Dog Underworld Theory

In this fairly intelligent theory Courage is proposed as Cerberus, a multi-headed hound which guards the gates of the underworld in Greek mythology.

The theory suggests that Cerberus (Courage) protects his home and makes sure no harm comes to Muriel. His master (Eustace) sits in his chair, hating everything and everyone. Whenever something evil comes to attack Nowhere (his home town), Courage fights back in order to keep Muriel safe and to save his master's home from being destroyed.

So who are Muriel and Eustace and how can Courage be a depiction of Cerberus when he only has one head? Well...

Muriel always sees a new head on Courage whenever something comes to harm her.

Courage will forever stay in Nowhere (Hell) to protect his home and to keep Muriel (Humanity) safe from evil (Le Quack [greed], Fred [murder], Katz [hate], etc.). His master, Eustace (Satan), will rule over and hate all that is Nowhere (Hell).

Farfetched or fact? Either way, you won't look at cartoons the same anymore.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

The Undocumented: Murder of Jessica Lunsford

'In case that you're not here when I get done with my bath, I just want to give you a hug and tell you I love you'.

Those were the last words 42 year old truck driver Mark Lunsford heard from his 9 year old daughter Jessica before she died.
February 24th, 2005
Homosassa, Florida
Mark Lunsford shared his double-wide trailer with his parents, Ruth and Archie, and his gorgeous daughter, Jessica.

Mark would set his alarm for 5.00AM every day so he could make it to work on time. Jessica would do the same for school, but on the morning of Friday 24th February 2005, her alarm wouldn't stop buzzing.

As Mark routinely prepared for his day at work, he realised his daughter's alarm had not been turned off. Concerned, he went to her room expecting to find her asleep in her bed, but it was empty. Jessica had gone.

Lunsford frantically searched the trailer for her, calling and eventually screaming her name. With no reply, he realised, sickeningly, that the front door was unlocked. Immediately, he contacted 911 and a tenacious search involving trained police and an entire worried neighbourhood was underway.

Weeks passed without any sign of Jessica and the Lunsford's desperately tried to eliminate their worst fears.


Born on October 6th, 1995, in Gastonia, North Carolina, Jessica was described as a quiet girl with a radiant smile. Her parents divorced when she was only a year old and her father, Mark, was given custody.

She and her Father were inseparable. Together they would ride Mark's motorcycle and sing karaoke at the Saloon Bar and Grill on U.S. 19. She was like any other little girl and had dreams of becoming either a singer, a fashion designer or an Olypmic swimmer.

Jessica always slept with a a stuffed tiger and a night light. She didn't like the dark and hated people coming into her room without permission as she wasn't very trusting of people. After she disappeared, one of her favourite toys (a stuffed purple dolphin won for her by her father at a county fair) was missing.

The Sex Offender Search
In the days following Jessica Lunsford's disappearance, detectives performed a routine scan on all the known sex offenders in the area. A convicted sex offender is required by law to notify the authorities if they intend to change their address, however, detectives discovered that 46 year old John Couey was not living at the address where he was registered.

Convictions and charges against Couey included a host of drug violations, burgulary, carrying a concealed weapon, disorderly intoxication, driving under the influence, indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, fraud, insufficent funds and larceny. Additionally, he had been arrested and charged in 1991 with fondling a child under the age of 16.

It was revealed that Couey had moved in with his half sister (Dorothy Marie Dixon), her boyfriend (Matthew Oley Dittrich) and her daughter and son-in-law (Madie Catherine Secord & Gene Allen).
Matthew Oley Dittrich

When their home was searched, the trio (described as 'a bunch of cracked out individuals') denied living with Couey. However, during a check of the premises, detectives made a horrific and fatal mistake by not investigating the closet in the room where Couey had been staying.

Nineteen days after Jessica's disappearance, detectives returned to the residence. This time they did check the closets, but nothing was found. Crucially, however, a blood stain was found on the mattress that Couey slept on and his status was elevated to 'person of interest'.

The trouble was, they couldn't find him.

John Couey

The 5ft 4', 125lb sex offender had escaped under an assumed name on a bus to Savannah. He checked into a homeless shelter and after being questioned about a marijuana possession violation, he sensed it was time to move on and he hit the road and found his way to Augusta, Georgia.

On the National News, his face was shown on a list of suspects and critically, a secretary working at the Salvation Army shelter in which he was staying called the police.

Couey endured hours of questioning and maintained that he had nothing to do with the 9 year old's disappearance. The next day, during a polygraph test administered by FBI Special Agent John Whitmore, the monster broke down and confessed to the abduction and murder of Jessica Lunsford.

He also revealed where they could find her.

Couey admitted he had entered the Lunsford home at approximately 3.00AM on the morning of Friday 24th February, 2005. Whilst in a 'drug haze' induced by a combination of alcohol and marijuana, he ordered her to be quiet and told her to follow him back to his sister's house.

The innocuous little girl was compliant according to Couey and police found no signs of struggle in her room. He admitted to raping her twice, once at night and once in the morning. The terrified 9 year old was forced to stay in the same bed as Couey and then in his closet whilst listening to reports of her disappearance on the news.

Jessica was locked in his closet for three days where she was forced to urinate and live with little oxygen, food and water. However, when he learned that detectives were searching for him, it got worse for Jessica...

Buried Alive
On Saturday 19th March 2005, a team of investigators arrived at Dorothy Marie Dixon's trailer. Couey pointed them to a shallow grave where Jessica's body was found inside two plastic garbage bags.

Her wrists were tied together, but she had managed to poke two fingers through the bag in an attempt to escape. She had died clutching her favourite purple dolphin toy (shown below).

Dr. Steven Cogswell noted that she had been placed feet first into the garbage bag and head first into the second. It is likely that the cause of death was suffocation which he believed took from 3 to 5 minutes.

Cogswell found vaginal lacerations which indicated sexual assault. He estimated that the lacerations had occured approximately 6 hours prior to death.

Her gastro-intestinal tract was 'basically empty', meaning the last time she ate was between 'twelve hours and three to four days before death'. Traces of cocaine were found on her body and although she had not ingested cocaine herself, she had definitely been in an environment where crack cocaine had been smoked.

Trial and Sentencing
John Couey
On August 24th 2007, Judge Richard Howard sentenced John Evander Couey to die for the brutal rape and murder of Jessica Lunsford.

His trial began in Miami on February 12th 2007. Evidence included DNA from Jessica's blood, Couey's semen on the mattress from his bedroom and Jessica's fingerprint's found in a closet inside his trailer.

The defense argued that Couey's below average IQ rendered him mentally handicapped which would disqualify him from the death penalty. However, the judge ruled that his IQ scores were actually eight points higher than the standard score for mental retardation (70).

On March 7th, Couey was found guilty of all charges relating to the murder of Jessica Lunsford, including first degree murder, kidnapping, burglary and sexual battery.

On September 30th 2009, John Couey died in prison of natural causes. His death was not unexpected and he had been ill for some time.

All along Couey said he had not meant to kill her and had acted only out of fright when he learnt of the huge investigation.

Jessica's mother, Angela Bryant, told CNN that John Couey 'will pay' after learning of his involvement with her daughter's murder.
Jessica's mother, Angela Bryant
Her father, Mark, said 'she's home now'. Later in an interview with CNN, he looked into the camera and spoke directly to Couey: 'I hope you rot in hell, I hope you get the death penalty'.

Mark Lunsford was intent on preventing the same happening to other children around the world. He proposed that the Florida state legislature should introduce tougher laws. In the aftermath, a bill was written that would require increased prison sentences, electronic tracking of all convicted sex offenders on probation, and the mandatory use of state databases by all local probation officials so that known sex offenders could not avoid the scrutiny of law enforcement.

The 'Jessica Lunsford Act' was approved on May 2nd 2005 and took effect on September 1st of the same year.

Disturbingly, Jessica was so close to being saved from this sexual predator. Had it not been for a momentary lapse in concentration by 'trained' detectives, she could still be alive today.

Monday, 21 January 2013

Poems: Wasp

Maniacal, enraged
Satan of the sky
Hysterically cackling
On it's turbulent flight

The black and yellow fellow
The diabolical beast
Painfully pounces
On to my arm for a feast

And with a psychotic smile
It lowers its hind
Injecting a toxic needle
Enough to make me cry

As I frantically scream
Amidst the tragedy
I ask the little bastard
'Why can't you be like your friend, the bee?'

'They soar majestically
Remain calm when they fly
And when they do decide to sting
Well, at least they die!'

But still, the evil one sits there
Unscathed on my arm
With no aim in life
Other than to cause harm.

Friday, 11 January 2013

5 Sperm Enhancing Foods

After witnessing a minor sexual tragedy in my house the other night (involving a snapped banjo string), it made me think about male genitals, particularly sperm.

What an odd little thing; swimming towards its goal with only a nucleus to power it. Fascinating. But its all about survival of the fittest in the complex world of the sperm. What supplements can the little chap take to make it faster, healthier and stronger?

Below are five foods that can make the most average of sperm an egg conquering warrior.


No wonder sex at Christmas is terrific! The zinc found in Turkey increases testosterone levels and increases the sperms ability to move both spontaneously and independently.

Infact, zinc is fairly widespread and can be found in foods such as beef, yoghurt, oats and corn.


Knowledge that the pineapple adds a delightful injection of sweetness into the semen is fairly common. Pineapple is high in natural sugars which offset the naturally bitter taste of semen.


Another more unlikely source of sweetness is celery. The high chloropyll content in celery helps to sweeten the taste of semen.

This is why your parents tell you to eat your greens, no parent wishes their son to have bad tasting jizz!


The above foods may make your semen taste nice, but what's the point in having sweet swallowing spunk if it's not healthy?

The high Vitamin A content in carrots help sperm to grow healthily and improves male fertility.


Now I know salmon might be a no-no for some; no one wants fishy jizz. However, it has no real effect on taste and actually increases sexual function.

The essential omega-3 fatty acids and DHA in salmon and other fish improve blood flow to the genitals!

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Slenderman: The Myth

We've all heard of the infamous 'Slenderman'.

He/it has even influenced video games such as 'Slender' and this years 'Slender: The Arrival', but does anyone know what it really is, its history or its purpose?

I'm here to tell you.


Modern literature describes Slenderman as a tall man who wears a black suit and a black tie. It's appearance can only be described as nebulous as it possesses no defined facial features or hair whatsoever, much like a mannequin.

Slenderman's height is often disputed and ranges from 6 to 16ft in literature and in artistic impressions.

The Slenderman is a malevolent force, often behaving in a passive aggressive manner.

His targets are stalked for years at a time as he allows them to sink into a state of paranoia. When making contact with victims, particularly children, he will present himself as a friendly character with the intention of luring them into his grasp.

From these descriptions, one can determine that Slenderman is a manipulative and scheming character.

There is no defined history associated with The Slenderman, however, it is believed that his roots lie in Germany.

Early sightings in the 1600's were known as 'Der Ritter' where it took the dress of a knight or a royal figure.  Despite these sightings, nothing was reported about the creature for another three-hundred years.

The next evidence came from early 1900's classical black and white/sepia photography. Around this time, it seemed that soldiers were the primary target of the Slenderman and in America and Canada, reports of missing skiers and children around forested areas were frequent.

The first mentions of the Slenderman on the internet were found in Something Awful Forum's 'Create Paranormal Images' where an ample internet thread developed.

Contact with children and adults differ in various ways.

In both cases, the Slenderman will find interest in a victim for an unknown reason. Eventually, abduction will take place in a forested area where they would be killed. The victim would be impaled on the branches of a tree whilst still alive and left to bleed to death. Organs would be removed and placed in plastic bags and put back into their original positions in the body whilst in the plastic bags. Corpses will show no signs of struggle.

In the case of a child, he will approach the individual, presenting itself as a friendly character as mentioned above.

Comparatively, adults chosen will have experienced a terrible tragedy in their lives. The individual will be stalked for long amounts of time and the adult will develop 'Slender Sickness'. The sickness causes extreme paranoia, nose bleeds, nightmares and hallucinations.

The Slenderman will stalk silently, provoking unbearable madness.

Although only a dozen credible images have been photographed, they are indubitably disturbing.

Make of it what you will.

Friday, 4 January 2013

Top 10 Lostprophets Tracks

The Lostprophets arrived on the British new-wave scene in 1997 initially as a side project to hardcore-punk outfit Public Disturbance.

Since then, albums 'The Fake Sound of Progress' (2000), 'Start Something' (2003), 'Liberation Transmisson' (2005) , 'The Betrayed' (2007) and 'Weapons' (2010) have all been released by the Pontypridd based band. 3.5million of them have been sold.

A successful 15 year career has been enjoyed by founders Ian Watkins (vocalist), Mike Lewis (rhythm guitarist) and Lee Gaze (lead guitarist). Six accolades at both the Kerrang! and Pop Factory Awards exhibit just how prosperous the Welsh band were. Other key figures include Mike Chiplin, Ilan Rubin, Stuart Richardson, Jamie Oliver and Luke Johnson.

However, the 2010 release of their final album 'Weapons' acted like a howling storm in a horror movie signalling impending doom. The track list was shocking, Watkin's voice (never the greatest) had somehow got worse and behind the scenes, of course, he was a 'lover' of children.

In remembrance of the members who actually possessed a degree of sanity, below are my top ten tracks.

10. Goodbye Tonight One of the bands less popular songs, 'Goodbye Tonight' is my number 10. The fifth single on 'Start Something' was released on 22nd November 2004 and addresses the issue of moving on from past relationships.

'The Fake Sound of Progress' was an album full of anger, Watkins obviously bitter following a turbulent relationship and not progressing from it (hence the title of the album). 'Goodbye Tonight' exhibits a more mellow sound and begins a new path (hence the second album title 'Start Something').

9. Shinobi vs Dragon Ninja
Released on 19th November 2001, 'Shinobi' became the most successful track from 'The Fake Sound of Progress' on American rock charts. 

According to the band, the song was written in under an hour and is about nostalgia for when the members were growing up together in South Wales. It was inspired by the Shinobi arcade game they used to play at the Park View Cafe in Pontypridd.

8. Always All Ways

Possible one of the Prophets' most romantic songs, however, this time about Fearne Cotton! Watkins dated Cotton for less than a year in 2005 and remained friends with her up until 2008.

This track concerns their relationship and how he wanted to win her back.

7. And She Told Me To Leave

A perfect song to sum up the bitterness and frustration present in 'The Fake Sound of Progress'.

Containing lyrics such as 'there've been times when I've felt good because you're hurt inside' and 'won't you come and fight with me?', this relatively unknown track references a series of arguments that have destroyed a friendship or a relationship.

6. Last Summer

Possibly one of the bands most famous, feel-good and nostalgic productions, 'Last Summer' describes the band members enjoying memories past of visiting towns in South Wales such as the seaside town of Porthcawl.

'Last Summer' displays all the chilled out, feel-good vibe of 'Start Something' and the fan favourite is a perfect soundtrack to any roadtrip or campfire.

5. Rooftops

'Liberation Transmission' saw Lostprophets achieve a new level of popularity. The album targeted the 'Emo' scene, vastly populated by 14-18 year old teenagers. The band even underwent a black leather and eye liner filled makeover. The placid, alternative feel of 'Start Something' had been replaced by a genre that would attract the masses, and it did.

'Rooftops' entered the UK charts at #8 making it the highest performing Prophets' single along with 'Last Train Home'. The message within the song was to be yourself and to enjoy life to the full.

4. A Better Nothing

From the band's fourth album, 'The Betrayed', 'A Better Nothing' was definitely reminiscent of 'Start Something'. 

The song talks about going back to roots and how home is always the place we love the most. Here, the band are possibly reflecting on the varying genres they have experienced when producing. However, travelling around the world and missing home is a more likely influence to the song's meaning.

3. Can't Stop Gotta Date With Hate

One of the best car sing along songs of all time. In the song, the character is having lustful dreams of Andy from the Goonies.

Obviously, one of the band members had been experiecing these dreams and has written a song about them. A song I wouldn't take too seriously.

2. Sway

The most unique, pastoral and philosophical of all the Lostprophets tracks. 'Sway' sees Watkins take on a whole new vocal range, a sort of high pitched whisper which accentuates the calmness of the song.

The track seems to focus on letting go of things that have happened in the past and being able to take in the beauty around you. You can imagine Watkinswatching a deserted, peaceful landscape and just taking in what is in front of him.

1. Last Train Home

Arguably the band's most recognisable and popular song, 'Last Train Home' won the Kerrang! Award for Best Single and peaked at Number One on the 'Billboard Alternative Songs chart'.

Johnny Loftus of Allmusic is quoted as saying 'Last Train Home was an absolute masterpiece of pop single mixing board surgery' and 'beginning with an instrumental run through its unstoppable chorus, the song drifted into faraway echoes'.

Kirk Miller of Rolling Stone magazine added 'Last Train Home is one of the catchiest hard-rock songs to hit the radio'.

The song is about moving on after getting your heart broken, but never wanting to fall in love again. Fans claim the song is a motivation booster and unanimously put it forward as their  favourite of all the Prophet's tracks!